For those of you who who have never suffered from chronic pain, I mean the over the 10 scale, 24/7, never ending since 2002, you are going to thinkI am a headcase! But when I am in the e.r. and there is a person screaming bloody murder because they broke their little toe, I just want to go over and smack them upside their head!!    I know there are people 100 times worse off than I am, but when it is you, and your life, it doesn't seem to count.

  Actually the only  time I had no pain was right after surgery when you feel nothing.  I have a drug infusion implant in my stomach that delivers morphine/delaudid/biprivocane to my nervous system ( no I don't get high!!). I am so highly allergic to just about everything that they have to be careful as to what they give me, and it has to be in little incrementrs, so it is taking forever for this pump to really do it's job. I have a nurse come once a week to give me  my increases.  Now he has noticed for the last few months how depressed I have been, so he goes and tells the shrink for the comp.  I get this call, she tells me who she is and says Can we talk for a few minutes? I am like what about?  Well can you tell mt why thre is a reason you are so depressed!!!!!!OK, are you from this planet-do you have my chart in front of you/  Yes I do, it seems you have been like this since 2002 and have greatly degenerated since 2006. I was also told you were exhibiting suicidal tendancies..

I really had no patience for this woman, she knows nothing about me, how I have to live, how it takes me 10 minutes to get out of the bed and try to make it to the bathroom oin time, and lots of times don't,  how I can't walk more than a block, how I can't  literally do anything. Making the bed alone I have to sit down for 10 minutes.Have not had a swx life for 3 years, and  you have the balls to ask me why I am depressed and if I sometimes think of suiside????  Yes, I think of it on a daily basis, just walk in front of a bus, but can't do that. Not only won't my faith allow me, but somewhere I am still stronger than that.

What I cannot take is the long term effects it has had on me, mentally and physically drained, exhausted, I have short term memory loss due to all the meds, my brain just does not function like it used to. I make the most stupid mistakes on things I have done a million times. I hate the fact that all I can do is dust and cook dinner, and on a bad day hubbie does that. This man will be a saint, he works construction, heavy labor, comes home, vacuums, does the dishses, ealks the dogs, does the laundry, cleans the bathroom, washes the floors, does the food shopping, and in return he gets to watch medrag my body around, looking like the letter C, crying 1/2 the time out of frustration and pain. If this was another man, he would have gone out for a beer 4 years ago and never copme home, that is the truth, I know several couples this  has happened to. I can honestly say I have asked him to leave me a dozen times, so I guess as far as that goes I am blessed with unconditional love.  Because it is only going to con't to go downhill.

 There is nothing left that they can do for my back, so that is pain pills forever. I have developed a large amount of scar tissue right over the sciatic nerve root, it is covering 3/4 of it, so I get very little blood flow and oxygen thru there, which is part of the purpose of the pump.  Because of the deformation this has caused in my back I now live in a full back and front brace, just wonderful in the heat, this is to try and get me upright, tho I can only take it for so long. Ihave RSD in both legs-that is when your nervous system is so overloaded with pain that it send it elswhere, usually your legs or arms, can be one, two or all. So at tims my legs up to mu knees get the size of tree trunks, turn tomato red, they cannot even touch each other the pain is so bad.  That comes and goes, right now it is in remmission. My RH. Arhtritis is in the advanced stage, so because of that ai have developed tumors behind my left retina, they are attached to the macular nerves that go to the brain, so it is not operable, so I am slowly going blind-that should make designing jewelry alot more challenging_LOL. I also have rickets, something thsat no one has anymore, now the politically corredt term is a severe Vit. D deficiency.  I cannot take any supplments because I also have severe gastric ulcers and colitis, but have decided to start taking them anyway, shit, they have me on enough pills that are addictive, so what the hell are some vitamins going to do kill me.?  I can keep going but I think you get the jist of my condition. It has been all these yeasrs that I have gone to a flea market, a movie, a mall, a walk thru a park, walk the dogs, take  a ride on the back of hubbies bike, which I loved, I actually have 2 friends left after 35 years of marriage, after it got to the point I could no longer do these things everyone slowly faded away. So I guess they weren't much of friends as I thought they were.  I know how the pills and the pain have changed me, I can go frombeing in a descent mood to wanting to rip your head off just if you look at me the wrong way.  I have been told several times this is normal, but that doesn't mean I have to like it, especially when my husband is 99% of the time my target, like he desearves it.

So I spend my days sitting in a chair, doing bead work, or on the computer, and if in a semi descent mood talk to someone on the phone. So that is my life, yes it could be alot worse, but for me it is bad enough .

 So I apologize to all those who have been waiting on my friends request list, to everyone who has sent me comments. I have spent the last month re-doing my site here, when I fel t up to it. So ladies, check out all my new work, there is alot! Also read about all the perks and specials I have listed. Everything is noe priced except for the older albums, have not gotten to them yet. But I have to say I have some great pieces on there! The earring kits are great and so are the Mood Bead bracelets/anklets. And as always, please pass my site around to your friends and family because I could really use the customers.

Thank you all for listening and hope you all understand the situation I am now in.

Take care everyone

Anna