For those of you who who have never suffered from chronic pain, I mean the over the 10 scale, 24/7, never ending since 2002, you are going to thinkI am a headcase! But when I am in the e.r. and there is a person screaming bloody murder because they broke their little toe, I just want to go over and smack them upside their head!!    I know there are people 100 times worse off than I am, but when it is you, and your life, it doesn't seem to count.

  Actually the only  time I had no pain was right after surgery when you feel nothing.  I have a drug infusion implant in my stomach that delivers morphine/delaudid/biprivocane to my nervous system ( no I don't get high!!). I am so highly allergic to just about everything that they have to be careful as to what they give me, and it has to be in little incrementrs, so it is taking forever for this pump to really do it's job. I have a nurse come once a week to give me  my increases.  Now he has noticed for the last few months how depressed I have been, so he goes and tells the shrink for the comp.  I get this call, she tells me who she is and says Can we talk for a few minutes? I am like what about?  Well can you tell mt why thre is a reason you are so depressed!!!!!!OK, are you from this planet-do you have my chart in front of you/  Yes I do, it seems you have been like this since 2002 and have greatly degenerated since 2006. I was also told you were exhibiting suicidal tendancies..

I really had no patience for this woman, she knows nothing about me, how I have to live, how it takes me 10 minutes to get out of the bed and try to make it to the bathroom oin time, and lots of times don't,  how I can't walk more than a block, how I can't  literally do anything. Making the bed alone I have to sit down for 10 minutes.Have not had a swx life for 3 years, and  you have the balls to ask me why I am depressed and if I sometimes think of suiside????  Yes, I think of it on a daily basis, just walk in front of a bus, but can't do that. Not only won't my faith allow me, but somewhere I am still stronger than that.

What I cannot take is the long term effects it has had on me, mentally and physically drained, exhausted, I have short term memory loss due to all the meds, my brain just does not function like it used to. I make the most stupid mistakes on things I have done a million times. I hate the fact that all I can do is dust and cook dinner, and on a bad day hubbie does that. This man will be a saint, he works construction, heavy labor, comes home, vacuums, does the dishses, ealks the dogs, does the laundry, cleans the bathroom, washes the floors, does the food shopping, and in return he gets to watch medrag my body around, looking like the letter C, crying 1/2 the time out of frustration and pain. If this was another man, he would have gone out for a beer 4 years ago and never copme home, that is the truth, I know several couples this  has happened to. I can honestly say I have asked him to leave me a dozen times, so I guess as far as that goes I am blessed with unconditional love.  Because it is only going to con't to go downhill.

 There is nothing left that they can do for my back, so that is pain pills forever. I have developed a large amount of scar tissue right over the sciatic nerve root, it is covering 3/4 of it, so I get very little blood flow and oxygen thru there, which is part of the purpose of the pump.  Because of the deformation this has caused in my back I now live in a full back and front brace, just wonderful in the heat, this is to try and get me upright, tho I can only take it for so long. Ihave RSD in both legs-that is when your nervous system is so overloaded with pain that it send it elswhere, usually your legs or arms, can be one, two or all. So at tims my legs up to mu knees get the size of tree trunks, turn tomato red, they cannot even touch each other the pain is so bad.  That comes and goes, right now it is in remmission. My RH. Arhtritis is in the advanced stage, so because of that ai have developed tumors behind my left retina, they are attached to the macular nerves that go to the brain, so it is not operable, so I am slowly going blind-that should make designing jewelry alot more challenging_LOL. I also have rickets, something thsat no one has anymore, now the politically corredt term is a severe Vit. D deficiency.  I cannot take any supplments because I also have severe gastric ulcers and colitis, but have decided to start taking them anyway, shit, they have me on enough pills that are addictive, so what the hell are some vitamins going to do kill me.?  I can keep going but I think you get the jist of my condition. It has been all these yeasrs that I have gone to a flea market, a movie, a mall, a walk thru a park, walk the dogs, take  a ride on the back of hubbies bike, which I loved, I actually have 2 friends left after 35 years of marriage, after it got to the point I could no longer do these things everyone slowly faded away. So I guess they weren't much of friends as I thought they were.  I know how the pills and the pain have changed me, I can go frombeing in a descent mood to wanting to rip your head off just if you look at me the wrong way.  I have been told several times this is normal, but that doesn't mean I have to like it, especially when my husband is 99% of the time my target, like he desearves it.

So I spend my days sitting in a chair, doing bead work, or on the computer, and if in a semi descent mood talk to someone on the phone. So that is my life, yes it could be alot worse, but for me it is bad enough .

 So I apologize to all those who have been waiting on my friends request list, to everyone who has sent me comments. I have spent the last month re-doing my site here, when I fel t up to it. So ladies, check out all my new work, there is alot! Also read about all the perks and specials I have listed. Everything is noe priced except for the older albums, have not gotten to them yet. But I have to say I have some great pieces on there! The earring kits are great and so are the Mood Bead bracelets/anklets. And as always, please pass my site around to your friends and family because I could really use the customers.

Thank you all for listening and hope you all understand the situation I am now in.

Take care everyone

Anna 

   Well it seems like you work yourselft to death, get to the point where it becomes forced creativity because you are running out of time, but I did it!! I was missing a dozen pieces I wanted included but because of my daily health problems, Dr. visits I simply ran out of time.

  Could not have asked for a better weather day,for me anyway, high 80's, a little too much hunidity, but was great.  Out of the last 3 shows I have done this was the most pleasant, friendliest,  got free goodies, tons of customers and best of all they bought!  I made well over 5 times what I t hought I would make, I figured about $150, so it was quite a surprise.  So even tho today there wasn't a bone in my body thsat did not hurt, it was worth it! I am sure I will still be suffering for it tomorrow.

  This is a bad medical week for me, tomorrow I get to have a bone test that is hours and hours and possibly more pics the following morning.  Tues. I get my pump drained and refilled with stronger meds and hopefully they will work and Thurs. I have to have the tumor behind my retina checked as my vision has dramatically worsened the past few weeks, yes that makes beading so much more fun.  I am soooooo sick of Dr.'s, especially because I feel no better, actually worse most of the time, and it is like opening up a can of worms, they keep finding more things wrong with me, so I have said no more tests, tomorrow is the last one, I am done, whatever I have I have, I don't want  to know about anything else, I don't think I can deal with anymore.

So that's my up-coming week, I hope yours is a whole lot better-LOL.

  I should really write a book because no one would believe the lunacy in my life. This past week they have decided that my body was rejecting the morphine from the pain pump besides it has donew  little for the pain, my legs filled with water almost up to my knees and they turned a   lovely shade of campbells tomatoe soup! So yesterday they tell me today they are going to drain it and put in delaudid. OK, I have has that before, not real great for pain, but what choice do I have left? So they drain the pump, but the tube that goes to my spine still has all the morphine which would take 5 days to finish running thru. So they decide to open the pump full way, let 1/2 go thru, then cut 2nd half with saline, noe she tells me you might pass out, but don't woryy you'll be fine- yea, right then my heart is beating out of my chest, ok I am going now! Well I wish Ihad passed out, it was the worst 15 miutes ever. so high was hakkucinating, dripping wet, heart bursting, couldn't talk, finally it slowed down, I was like ok, you are still here.  Think the worst was over- oh no, no. She forgot she left the pump opened full ways and when she put in new meds, about 5 minutes, I 'm like, hey guys there is something very wring here, like my whole right side is pparalized!!!! I mean you could have taken a butcher knife and sliced me from my ribs to my toes and I would not have felt a thing. Of course she says, ok, lets slow it down a little, maybe it's going to fast-gee you think? So Doc got really pissed at her, made me close my eyes and stuck me with pins all over and had no clue. I have to say with all the things I have been thru in my life, including being a cancer surviver, that was the most petrified moment in my life, to actually be totally paralized for 11/2 hours before it slowly started to taper off. Of course she played it off like, well just think of getting a heavy dose of novacaine.  All I have to say is these new meds sure better work because I will not gothru this again. I would rather have the pump removed. I am SO sick of Dr,'s after this the only wat you will get me to one is if I am unconscious. If anyone knows someone with one of these pumps I would love to talk to them, so if you do, please contact me.

thanksHope you all have a better week end than me!!!

Anna

 For those who have been keeping in touch and sending me their prayers and good wishes, I thiank you all. You would think, at least I did that by now there would be some news to be happy about instead of my constant pissing and moaning-LOL, but not the case.

  They still cannot get my meds in the pump correct and now tell me it could take 3 months just to get me to a  level of the beginning to ease the pain! Why is there no educational seminar/booklet/talk about this beforehand?  I had no idea about most of the problems I am going thru, which is very upsetting when you don't know what's happening to your body.. For anybody squirmish, maybe  you should skip this part! It seems for the first 3 months you gather fluid around the pump, a natural occurance , youtr organs produce extra fluids, things leak etc., so your stomach after a certain period of time gets large and has to be drained--I was never told that, so when I loooked like I swallowed a soccer ball I was freakin. Surgeon explains and ends up taking uot with a horse syringe 80cc's of fluid, 8 huge tubes of fluid, when he was done I was almost 1/2 the size I was before that. Instantly felt better because it was pressing the pump so strong against my skin.

 OK, so now they are coming to my house 2 times a week to up the meds for the pump, . On Fri when they cxame nurse freaked out because my stomach was huge again, my feet and ankles looked like elephant legs, the scar on my back was all swollen, so she wants me to see surgeon asap. I call surgeon, and they said, man are you lucky he just had a cancellation, can you be here in 45 min.?  for me tht is basically impossible, but said yes and made it.Appt. was 4 11. 11:30, no doc, 12, no doc, 12:10 went out to hall and asked what's going on?On his way, was stuck in surg., mean while I have a friend with a 3 yr.old & 18 mth. old out in van, 12:30- back in hall, here he comes, he looks at me and in front of all the nurses, some doc's and patients, yells, Mrs. Daley, do u think u can come here whenever u want and I am supposed to drop everything and take care of u? As my jaw dropped, his nurse jumped up and says, I called her, you had a cancellation after surg., and the pump people called and said this was emer. and had to be dealt with asap, he looks at her and yellls, since when do you change my schedlue without consulting me-duh, isn't that what they are for- to make the doc's sched.? So he then tells me he will not see me unless I want to wait till 4pm and he is done with all patients, he might do it. I was beyond pissed, You actually don't have 3 min. for me after I have been here since 11 and it is now 12:40? NO

! and he walk away. I go back in room, pu t on coat and his nurse comes in, thought she was gonna cry, says can u wait 5 min.,  I am gonna get his nurse preact., I said u have 2 min, because I amnot leaving this woman another minute with these poor kids, so I just wrote a note getting ready to go and she walks in, goes over chart, checks me out, gets all upsert at what she see's and says I will be right back am just going to double check with him, so 3 min. coat back on, just ready to open door to recept. area when she calls me, ofcourse a nosey female doc has to stop and listen, she says to me I am so sorry he said AI can't do it, if you want to be drained u have to wait for him!!!! I asked her if she had ever done it and was capable of doinf it,yes, then nosey doc wants to know what's going on, I wanted to say none of your f---in business, but just said go ask dr.B., I oopened the door so everone could hear and said it is now 12:50, I have been here since 10:50 for a 3 min. procedure, which you called and said there was a cancellation, so there would be no problem and the man not only yells at me in front of dozens of people, refuses to treat me knowing this was an emer., well cancell any future appts., I never want to see his face again and Mon. a.m. I am calling Medicare to make sure he does not try to collect for this visit and then am calling my lawyer.  This was totally unacceptable, unprofessional  and I am not the type to take this treatment and keep my mouth shut.  So how's that  for professional treatment?

 Now tomorrow my pain doc better not have 1 excuse as to inot drain me, I know he hates to do it but too bad, this is part of your job and I swear I won't leave his office till he does something!  I cannot believe I am still writing and bitching about the same things six weeks later. Does anyone else find this incredicbly unbelieveable?  Is this the way disabled people on Medicare get treated-is it something I am supposed to get used to? If there is anyone else on here that is disabled on Medicare, please let me know if you have experienced this before.  

 Hopefully my next blog will have better news and not the samedowner crap u are probably tired of reading, I just find it so unbelieveable AI have to write about it!

Anna

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   Well have added quite a few new items to the spring collection, so please when you have a minute take a peek, there just might be something that you like, I know there are no prices listed, but believe me they are not as expensive as you might think. AND for all P.T. members there is a 20% off discount.  I have not yet gotten to adding the changable earrings, there are three pairs up, but you get 9+ pairs or combos from one pair of earrings fir $20-now can you buy 9 pairs of earring for $20, especially Swarovski crystal ones?  ALSO I am the only one I know of that has a 2/3/4 payment plan, so if you see something that is above your budget, you can put it on lay-away, do you know of any other site that does that?  Hopefully by the end of the month I will have the majority of my work up. Ihave a whole wood series that is really cool, very bohemian. So keep watching.

  Wish I could say I was feeling much better, especially after a month today. Unfortunately there have been several complications, plus I still don't have the right meds in me. I have waited for the Dr. to call me back all day and of course he did not. So basically I am in the same shape I was in before the surgery except now I look like I swallowed a soccer ball!!! Well not that bad, but close enough. I guess at 57 I shouldn't be so concerned about having somewhat of a belly, I should be more concerned getting the pain under control, but no matter how old a woman gets, there is always a certain degree of vanity somewhere and I don't want to weigh 107 lbs. and look like I am pregnant!  I really just want these Dr.'s to do their jobs, get me to where I am supposed to be so I can have a life back. It has been over 4 years since I rode on theback of my hubbies bike and I would kill to do that again , or just be able to go to a flea  market and walk around for more than 2 minutes, I want to be able to go for a ride and not cringe at every bump. I WANT TO BE PAIN FREE--is that too much to ask for, especially when you have a surgery just for that purpose. OK, I bitched enough! Hopeefully they will get this all straight before I head for the grassy knoll-LOL.

Keep you [posted.

Anna

 Put in some new pieces  to the Spring Album.  There are the first 3 oairs in a series of Inter-changable earrings. Sterling oval hoops with Swarovski crystals, flowers and more. You get extra beads/crystals to re-arrange. I got  9 different looks, but who knows how many you can get!!! In my store they are $20, for my Picturetrail friends they are $15, now is that worth 9+ pairs of earrings? So go check them out, plus a few new summer necklaces. If you happen to like them, you might want to wait ten days, that's when I should have the others done.

Hope you like them!

Anna

 OK, to all my friends who think I forgot them, u know who u are,  this has been the worst nightmare I have fone thru.  Most of you know I was going thru a process of hospital stays to have a drug infusion implant done.  For those who don't know, this is the resulsts of 2 failed back surgeries that left me with permenant double  80% sciatic nerve damage from my right side of my waist to my toes. I have lived in a 10+++ pain scale for over 3 years, talk about a prescription junkie, and that  never even worked, just took the edge off. Eventually became a recluse because I could not go out alone, fell alot, only went out when necessary.  So I go to this seminar about this drug pump. It goes thru everything I have, have done to improve it; nerve block shots, epidurals, everything, and all my symptoms were the final stagw before a wheelchair, so I said no way. Made an appt., had to go for 2 trial runs to see what drug combos I could tolerate (am very allergic) and get the dosage right. First run failed, 5 wasted days, 2nd run, 1st 2 days no good, then 3rd day-hit it, for the 1st time in 3 years I could put my leg up on a chair and not have tears stream down my face--it was true bliss, for me at that point, better than sex-LOL, so the mix turns out to be morphine, deaudine and baclefen, all real winners, so this is the rest of my life these drugs, but if they give me my life back who cares.So when tube was removed I was told within 6 hrs. I would be back in the 10 scale or worse since we teased the nerve, well I just about made 5 hrs. and was way over a 10, had to wait 3 weeks for the surgery. Right now I think it was the worst thing I did. I did not know the day before my surgery, my pain Dr. had a family emer., and was in Paris, so On Mon. I had the surgery, when the surgeon tells me what drugs he put in the pump-they were not what I had in the hospital, I got really pissed, I mean how can he make that call without consulting other Dr. He said he felt the morphine was more apt to make me throw up, so he used Fentynal and melecaine, an anti spasmatic, said he put in a minute amount, so when I tell you that the old pain was nothing compared to this, I'm not joking.  So besides the meds in the pump I take 90 mg. of percocet, 40 mg. of valium and 200mg. of demeral alll day and still have all this pain, there is not 1 positioin I can find to be comfortable in, plus u would think I would be a walking zombie!  I have an 8" cut on my stomach and a 7" one on my back, I look like I swallowed a water mellon plus the worst part-since it is not the right drugs my old pain is still over a 10 level, so to say I would like to walk in front of a bus is an understatement. Then I'm also told that even when all the swelling goes down the implant that is smack in the center of my belly will be quite visible!!!!    I don't know, maybe it's post surgery blues, maybe once my pain Dr. gets back and gets the right drugs in me there will be a  major difference, but how I feel right now, it was definately not worth it. And not to be vain, I mean I am 57, but it took me a year to get back to 109 lbs., I just bought all new clothes-I don't think a stretchy lycra top will look attractive with a disk bulging thru it!!!  Well that is my pity party story, I just hope in the long run it was worth it and I don't end up having it removed.  So thanks for all your well wishes, I really needed them.                   Anna

 

  Just to let my friends know, those of you who send me goodies everyday,  tonight I finally leave for the hospital and have my long, overdue surgery done. Yes, I am still petrified, but the rest of my life in a wheelchair is more bleak o me, so I am going to toss the dice. Either it is going to work and make me a functionable human agan or well  it won't. But I am putting my faith in the Lord that he will provide me with what is meant for me.

  So if you send me any mess., please don't expect any replies for at least 7-10 days, don't think I am ignoring you!!!  Just send all your positive thoughts my way, can really use them

Thanks and hopefully will be back soon.

Anna 

 Well to my friends who have followed my journey thru pain and hospitals, and have sent me numerous cheer-ups--well the day is almost her, I go in on Mon., 3/5. I have had more surgeries than I care to admit at 57, but this one has me petrified. To think of having this implant in me for the rest of my life, well is hard to deal with. I know it will be worth it, it worked 2 weeks ago at the trial run, so that is not an issue. It is that slight possibilty that it can move,leak, and I can be dialing 911 because i will o.d., there are many risks, as with any surgery. So I chose to take the chance, to hopefully be able toi walk more than 1 block, to maybe ride on the back of my hubbbies harley again, to live life, not be a recluse and live like an 80 year old. Most important  to be able to go visit my g-daughter in Ks, who is terminal, and as we say is on short time, she can go at any time, that is the 1st thing I am going to do once I get the ok. Not that she will know me, she dpesn't know much of anything, but to just hold her after 2 years would be a miracle.

 So all you believers in the power of prayer, good thoughts, telepathic energy, send it my way, cause I will sure need it Mon. a.m., am having panic attacks already!!Just not to be bothered with anything extra I took a pair of clippers and basically shaved-yes, just about look like Demi Moore except I left a little bit of side burns-LOL and then proceeded to go ultra blonde, now is that trying to get your mind off your current problems!!! I will port the pic for 1 day so you can all goof on me.

So don't know when I will be back on, probably a week or two, hey who knows if they give me good enough drugs, mioght be back in a few says, might not know what I'm typing-LOL, but will feel better.

Talk to you later

Anna

 

So I have now turned 57. Ah,, #'s they only say, you are as young as you feel, well I feel like 87!!!

  On New Yeats Eve, I buried 2006, covered it in gravel and then drenched it in cement, it was the second worst year of my life. I was/am determined that `07 will be my year, as it is long overdue.

  The past year I have seen myself turn from my normal, caring self to ,well, what my family calls me`boy are you a bitch anymore', all the time. I found myself ready to bite your head off in an instant, look at me the wrong way and you were in for it. I attributed this to the fact that was health was getting worse on a daily basis. Sepression was overwhelming, yet I tried to make a concious effort to have some self control, but it just never worked.

  When I first became disabled, it was like all your friends rallied around tyou for support. Dr''s kept telling me it would get better as time went on, well they lied!!! For 3 years it progressively got worse, so now I could no longer  go out shopping, go to the flea markets, just go out for fun because I lived in a 10++++ pain scale 24/7. The more aI complained, the more the Dr's. said there was nothing there. When it got to the point aI could no longer get up and down my stairs I ended up falling down them and broke my wrist. I still insisted there was a problem, I mean it was rather obvious. So by now, most of my friends had slowly dewindled away, I mean what kinf of fun was I anymore? I saw my personality turning acitic, I hated what I was turning into. When I finally talked to a Dr. about this he told me what the hell do you expect after 3 years of living in daily pain to the level you cannot function anymore, pain changes your entire outlook on everything, the way you treat people, the way you view yourself, plus the meds work along doing the same job, . I had ventured every avenue for the pain, accupuncture, chiro, therapy, nerve block shots, steroids,  nothing worked which I could not understand.  So what was the cause- the scar tissue is so immense, and they do not like to remove it because it grows back worse, that it has smothered my sciatic nerve  leaving a tiny opening for blood flow and oxygen to flow thru it. This in turn causes the constant nerve pain, the constant back spasms, and the constant misery. So bottom lin is I am stuck with it. That same week I learned that my Rh. Arthritis had now spread to my eyes, because it is in an advanced stage, so I am going blind in my left eye and actually have arthritis in both eyes now, so making jewelry should become a great challenge-LOL, if you look at my work you see less and less of ssed bead work, who can see the beads!

 So burying 2006 and starting `07 has not made much difference  I had always thought once I reached this age, it was going to be the perfect time, my kids would be grown and living their own lives, and it would finally be your turn to live, but it doesn't work that way. You end up taking care of ailing parents, one of your kids can never manage to keep a job, there is always something. I have a 4 year old grand daughter whom I have not seen in over a year, I am in NJ, they are in Ks., I can't travel, she can't travel, she is terminal and probably won't be here much longer, all these things add up to what makes you what you are, and I guess all these things have made me that so called `bitch'. No matter how bad the day was I thank God for the gift of another day, and every morning I thank Him for allowing me to have that gift once again, so I do believe there is hope for me yet.

 This Sun. I am going into the hospital for what they call a trial run, I am going to get a drug infusion implant so I can stop taking all these pills. So for 3 days they test various combos of drugs, when they find the right mixture, then they work on the dosage, after that is settled I am discharged and hopefully within 72 hours I go to another hospital and have the implant done. Yes, it is freaking me out think of having this metal disk in me with a button on my ribs so they can inject the meds, but if it give me my life back, which for the last year has basically been a recluse lifestyle,  what more can I ask for, I can't even fathom what it is like to not be in pain anymore. Not that this i a cure by any means, I will still have every other ailments I have, this is just a pain controller, but the pain is what has destroyed my life, and the lives of the people I love. My husband of 35 years is truly a gift from God, because if it was any other man, I would have been left 3 years ago. Does he get frustrated and angry, hell yes, but about the only thing I am capable of doing at this point is cooking dinner, and belive me sometimes that is a project in itself. He works construction all day and then does all the housework, yea, I know, thru sickness and health, for better or worse, but there are limits for everyone and I am robbing him of his life too.

  So I guess the point to all this is never take one day of your life for granted, find beauty somewhere, no matter where you live, even in your darkest days remember there is alwys someone worse off than you are, appreciate what you have, no matter how little of it you do have, and love, love i s the best medicine there is.And to those who were my friends for 30 years and have decided I am no longer worthy of your friendship, I guess it was never real at all.

 So I am going to fight like hell to make 57 the best I can make it,  and hopefully 6 months from now I will be the person I was 3 years ago, it's just gong to be a long hard road, but the end will be worth it all.

So get out there and live life to its fullest, you only get to go around one time.

Anna